Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? You should try sleeping in my bed...

Alicia Keys and I are on the same page when it comes to her latest album out. Wowza! Seems like every song is speaking to me specifically.

Two weeks into the last rotation and time seems to be creeping along. Would you understand what I meant if I said that the days move so slowly but I feel like I'm reeling, out of control toward the unknown? It feels as if I have been in Alaska for months and it has only been 2 weeks. Maybe that is because I have been holding onto something that I didn't want to lose so tightly that my figurative "heels" have been digging into the ground and keeping me from moving forward. For me, maybe Labor day is not only signifying the end of summer, but also the end of letting things/people hold me back. Even if not, I think I'm going to believe that is the case.

Something completely unrelated but nonetheless something to ponder...why do we call dried grapes raisins but we call all other dried fruit by their name with "dried" in front of it? Like: dried apples, or dried pineapple, dried mangoes...Why are grapes special? Why does their dry counterpart get a separate name? I've been trying to figure this out for the past couple of days, but I cannot come up with a solid reason.

This post is fairly boring so I'll try to liven up the next one.

HOLLER

You spin my head right round, like a record baby

Yatzee! my head is spinning. So much going on in my head the past couple of weeks, really struggling.

Why is it that all of the best foods are shaped like penises? Popsicles, corn dogs, churros, burritos, hot dogs/brats, bananas. (Well, actually I don't really think any of these foods are the best foods. I just like this line from Superbad)

So today, I'm going to write about a submitted topic: Why don't fish eat/take calcium? Because their bones suck!

Fish bones do suck! They break really easily, very brittle. You would think that something that they eat in the water would make the bones stronger. On the other hand though...if they had thicker bones, they would be heavier and thus make swimming very taxing for their small frames. I think it would be pretty sweet to ride a fish under water. I mean how awesome would it be if you could hold on to a fish's tail and just by holding their tail you grow gills so that you can breathe under water and then they could take you on tours of underwater attractions. (run-on sentence that does not make any logical sense, check.) If that was the case though, the fishs' bones would need to be much stronger to carry around gigantar humans.

I'm going to be done for now...I'm not feeling this post and need to get my head in the right place before I write anything that could be half way amusing.

HOLLER.

Call me, beep me, if you want to reach me

I am a magnet for unavailable men. The most recent addition to the list, married man with wife and child sends me a facebook message with his phone number and this statement: "It's stupid that I'm sending this. If you want to, text me. ASAP. ;)" WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm seriously going to freak out soon if this keeps happening...happy valentines day (sent with a picture of a rose, while laying in bed with his girlfriend)...text message: "a rose for you"(hand drawn and all)... I'm calling you and not my girlfriend while I'm out of town for 6 days and she is mad that I didn't call her...I don't like that guy you're talking to and I don't want you to date him, but I don't want to date you...its seriously been a case of me being that guy and being insensitive and inconsiderate, I just have a lot of family issues I need to sort out before I can start dating anyone...do you want to go on spring break with me to Oregon? (two weeks later) Oh wait, you can't go, your spring break is a different week than mine (when really it wasn't different and I told him it wasn't different and then he cut all contact with me)...I like you a lot (pause pause pause) but as a friend (that's why I've been spending so much time with you for the past 8 months)... and the list goes on


REALLY??!!!??! Oh well, good thing I move a lot. I did meet this man last night, we'll call him Jason*, he said that even though I'm moving in 3.5 days he wants to hang out and get to know one another. I figure why not hang out and get a few free drinks out of it right?  OR maybe I should hibernate from the dating scene for about another 25 years and then just be a cougar and go after younger men.


I can't believe it! only 3.5 days left in this city :) Excited to see friends and family in just a short week! Sorry for venting in this post, just needed to freak out for  a minute.


HOLLER


*indicates name change to protect identity

Where the water flows like wine

Well, it's been more than a month since my last post and I must apologize for that...Especially since my life has been one boring piece of crap for the past month. Maybe I shall blame my lack of blogging on the lack of excitement in my life...no?

Welp, I still don't know how to use this blessed computer, except typing (but I'm pretty sure I could do that on a typewriter). So, I'm sitting here in this new establishment that I decided to try out tonight (Mo' Joe Coffeehouse), and one of my fave songs just came on Pandora on the Keith Sweat radio station!!! Nobody, by Keith Sweat, ft Athena Cage (flippin' sweet!). Here is an excerpt of Athena's part:

"I want the night
For me and you
So come here baby
And let me do it to you

Don't be afraid
'Cuz I won't bite
I promise to give it to you
Just the way you like."


I actually sang this song at karaoke with a hot man in CA last summer, his name was Chris...and he sounded JUST like Keith Sweat (it was hot). 


Sorry for the sidebar...tonight's topic is going to be about mint flavored things. One of my friends wishes that mint toothpicks actually had lasting mint flavor. I'm not really sure if it is just with toothpicks...but she stated, "I ALWAYS have a residual wood taste in my mouth." To me, this statement could work in a variety or situations (well, maybe just two situations: toothpicks and...you can use your imagination). 


In the toothpick scenario (I like to pronounce this word like sin-ahhh-reee-o, think phonetically), I totally agree with the mint flavor that leaves something to be desired. The mint doesn't last past the first lick. Now mint flavored glue on envelopes (ahhhnnn-vel-opes), is the best! I hate licking envelopes that are just glue flavored, two words: effing gross. Mint flavored toothpaste and gum are both great options too. I used some nasty Aquafresh toothpaste that had an orange-mint flavor; horrible idea. So now I just stick with brilliant sparkle by Arm and Hammer, the mint is just so...so...zesty! 


I've heard of people using mint flavored lube for things, but I don't do that...so I'll have to let you know if I ever test it out. hahaha. 


I like this new little coffee establishment, but there was just a group of hoodrats in here that acted like they've never drank water before. They finished off one of the pitchers of water, so I went to ask the worker girl to refill it. She brought it back out and they ran over to it and tried to get water before me. Then they finished off the pitcher of water again within 3 minutes. Creepy freaks (I should be nice...but they were creeping me out, I'm glad they went outside).


I think that is all for now.


HOLLER.

Under my um--berella...Ay, ay, ay...My um--berella.

Not really sure why I'm so tired...went to run some errands and suddenly started feeling horrible. I came home and fell asleep for like 5 hours (and that is after I slept 7 hours last night with a 2 hour nap earlier in the day).

Now that I'm awake...what shall I ramble about? Commercials, pretzels, and umbrellas. BTW, I coming to you from a new computer, one that I don't know how to use.

I hate commercials, unless they are hilarious. But how many commercials are actually funny? I could probably count only a few (the Staples commercials "WOW, That's a low price!" the OLD Spice commercials "Look at me, look at your man, now back at me." or skittles commercials "singing rabbit"). I would much rather watch a show on tv for 21 minutes straight than watch a show for 30 minutes with commercials.

Have you ever seen a gold pretzel shaped pendant on a necklace? It looks interesting. I might wear something like that, but where would you buy it? I'm watching a Sex in the City marathon on TBS, Carrie was wearing the pretzel. I don't really like pretzels that much in real life though. They just really make my mouth super dry. I do however like the Rold Gold Honey Wheat twists dipped in Nutella. Unfortunately, the Nutella is counterintuitive to eating pretzels (i.e. trying to eat a healthy snacked but dipping it into a vat of fat).

I was sitting at a baseball game in the pouring rain the other day; it was freezing probably secondary to being soaking wet underneath my shitty umbrella. It would have been big enough for me alone, but I was sharing it with someone and they didn't have an umbrella. Anyway, the reason I am discussing this is because there was a guy there a few rows ahead of me who kept singing Rihanna's "Umbrella" over and over again. Wasn't that song from like 4 years ago? I mean, give me a break...one time was bad enough, but he probably "sung" it about 7 times. douche. Again, back to Sex in the City--Carrie was carrying a gigantar clear plastic umbrella. Now that is exactly what I need, or a golf umbrella. This is completely unrelated (well probably not completely unrelated, but unrelated to umbrellas), Carrie always wears a "Carrie" gold necklace...I want that necklace in my name. I just really like it, kind of trashly looking, but cute.

Sorry its been awhile since my last post...busy busy. Hopefully, it will be a quicker turn around this time.

HOLLER.

Tigers love pepper...They HATE cinnamon!

I'm feeling a little scattered tonight, so I'm going to share my thoughts on a few different topics: blue pens, free-for-all seating, and pressure ulcers.

1. Blue pens: Actually, I like any pen that is not black. If you are writing on a page that has something printed on it, more often than not, it is in black ink. If you use a black pen, it just blends in with the background. Call me penist (racist, but for pens), but personally, I like to be able to have my nice penmanship stand out off of the page. I really do like blue pens best though. Especially blue pens that have a really rich royal blue color. My favorite type of pen is actually a felt-tipped marker made by papermate. They are pretty much thebomb.com. The markers come in a wide variety of colors and really tickle my fancy when I am getting ready to write something important. Stuff like lists, thank-you notes, cards, writing in my planner, etc. If a blue pen is available and someone hands me a black pen, I will usually ask for a blue pen. I know, it sounds kind of weird, but hey...what you see is what you get.

2.Free-for-all seating: I'm talking about Southwest Airlines. While I understand the premise of it...I do not like it, AT ALL. If I am sitting on a flight and am assigned to sit next to someone that is fine, but when you are sitting in a row by yourself on an empty flight and you are one of the last people on board AND there are about 5 row completely empty and someone chooses to sit next to you= ANNOYING. I'm sorry lady, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to sit near you, and I definitely don't want to pretend that I'm interested in your lame ass stories. This sounds super harsh...but the only 2 times I actually want to talk to someone on a flight is if a) I know them or  b) they are super duper fly (AKA hot). Free-for-all seating needs to be eliminated...I'd rather take my chances being assigned a seat next to a hot man.

3. Have you ever wondered about pressure ulcers, or bed sores? What if I did not perform pressure relief, even though I am perfectly able. I've been sitting on my couch in the same position for about 10 minutes and I'm starting to get a tingling sensation on my sacrum. I've been contemplating not moving just to see what happens. It is actually starting to hurt a little bit. Okay, so I moved because it was starting to be unbearable. Do we really move enough in our sleep to not get pressure sores? Sometimes I fall asleep or pass out in one position and wake up in the same spot. How come I do not have pressure sores from that? Here is a picture of a pressure ulcer:

And this one is not even a bad one. (courtesy of google images)

One more thing...I added Geovany Soto (the Chicago Cubs catcher) as a friend on facebook. He is super duper fly. I would love to sit next to him on a flight. I'm not even sure if I added the right person as my friend being that I had a couple of options to choose from. We'll see if he adds me...keep your fingers crossed :)

HOLLER!

What is the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jam a...nevermind. For some reason, this joke will not get out of my head. It has become my new "that's what she said..." I talk about jamming and jellying all over the place and most of the time it makes no sense whatsoever.

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

POOP! not really, the answer is Dr. Dre... :)

But, since you were thinking of poop and "jamming/jellying" makes me think of poop, I might as well talk about it. A friend asked me yesterday, "What is the difference between a dog's poop and a human's poop?"  "Why do humans have to wipe and dogs don't? Especially since dogs have fur"...I believe that this is a fantastic question!

Isn't the mechanism of action the same for both dogs and humans? Is dog poop harder? or does dog food make dog poop more greasy or slippery as to come out without having to wipe? If this is the case, why do they not make human food like dog food? If humans didn't wipe initially, would there be a need? because wiping seems to make things worse sometimes.

Sorry for taking up your time if you are grossed out by this shitty topic :)

While I do not have the answers...I believe that people should be aware of something that could greatly impact the environment...no longer having to use toilet paper! Just think about all the trees that we could save by not wiping!

HOLLER.